Living in Grace

I am reading the book Ordering Your Private World by Gordon MacDonald and loved this excerpt which he took from Anne Morrow Lindbergh's book The Gift from the Sea. Lindberg wrote some insightful comments about ordering her private world. I wish the words were mine, but they are not. She says:

"I want first of all ... to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can. I want, in fact--to borrow from the language of the saints--to live "in grace" as much of the time as possible. I am not using this term in a strictly theological sense. By grace I mean an inner harmony, essentially spiritual, which can be translated into outward harmony. I am seeking perhaps what Socrates asked for in the prayer from the Phaedrus when he said, "May the outward and inward man be one." I would like to achieve a state of inner spiritual grace from which I could function and give as I was meant to in the eye of God."

O that we might all desire this harmony offered to us in our Savior. Let us train our minds to think the truth. Let us pursue righteousness at all costs. Let us have confidence in God so we may have peace even when our worlds are far from peace-full.

Breathe it in.

"The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever."

Isaiah 32:17

The Plank in My Eye

Yes, I am back. I know that none of you are sitting on the edge of your seats in anticipation of my next post, but still, I have missed four days and now it is time to get back into routine. No more birthday parties or company or small groups in my basement. No more making 7 pans of cinnamon rolls or banana splits or little doll sweatshirts. Now is the time for all good women to come to the aid of their country--or blog domain--or something like that.

OK--that was just my warm-up paragraph. Remember those weird little phrases you used to have to type over and over in typing class?

Here's the real meat. I have been doing a Beth Moore Bible Study called "Breaking Free" (for the second time--it's really good!), and this week I am learning about obstacles to my freedom in Christ.

One of these obstacles is Idolatry. Anything we try to put in a place where God belongs is an idol. In studying this concept, we were to read Isaiah 44. In this passage, God talks to the Israelites and tells them that He is God--that He is first and last and that apart from Him there is no other. God, speaking through Isaiah, goes further when He says in verse 9, "All who make idols are nothing, and the things they treasure are worthless." He says these people cut down a tree and with half of it they make an idol and half of it they burn for fuel and bake bread over it. Verse 19 says "No one stops to think, no one has the knowledge or understanding to say, "Half of it I used for fuel; ... Shall I make a detestable thing from what is left? Shall I bow down to a block of wood?"

But here is the verse that spoke out loud, verse 20, "Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?" Now, that grabbed my attention. Up until that, I had been reading, feeling pretty good about myself, saying "Good job, Tori, you don't seem to have any idols." But guess what? God did what he does so well, and he pointed out an area that I didn't really want to see. He allowed me to see myself as I really was and not as I thought I was. Those kind of revelations make me feel bad about myself--in a good way--in a good way! (as my friend, Tony Horton would say)

"Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?" Yes, it is. Here's why. Sometimes I hold onto things--in my attitudes and thoughts--things like preferences or judgements--because I feel entitled to them even though they are LIES. These LIES fit me. They are the way I think. They are the way I do things. They are obviously the right way--that's what I think. In the Haverkamp household, we call this way of thinking "hiking"--in reference to hiking the Superior Hiking Trail (which we have actually hiked upon--in the literal sense--twice)--get it--hiking? superior? It is a way of thinking that judges others and elevates self.

I often hike. In the non-literal sense. And I think its OK, but it's not. That way of thinking is an IDOL. That way of thinking reveals that I have not yet become Absolutely and Entirely His. That way of thinking reveals that I have not let Him permeate and captivate my every thought. That way of thinking tells God He is not First and Last and that there is another--it's me. (See my first Isaiah above if you are confused).

Why do I use some of my thought processes to judge and condemn others while in the next synapse connection, I use some of those same capabilities to show God how much I love Him? Why is this starting to sound eerily similar to Isaiah 44? It is starting to sound similar because it is the same thing. I judge and I hold opinions and I think myself superior. Those things are worthless to God.

Tonight, as I write, and as I try to remove this now-obvious plank, there is a sense of sorrow. This is the feeling I always get when God directs me to remove yet another part of myself that is not reflecting Him. There is a sadness that accompanies the banishment of these very comfortable and familiar behaviors. But the worldly sadness is always replaced by Joy when I see that God's way truly is SUPERIOR.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Matthew 5:3-5

Beautiful

This morning as I read Mark 14, trying to prepare myself in this journey of Lent, I broke down and wept as I reached these words of Jesus in 14:6;

"Leave her alone. Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me."

She became real to me. Here is her story:

"Where is He? Where is my Lord? I must find Him. I love Him! I love Him! It is nearly the Passover and the throngs of pilgrims will soon swarm into our city. How will I find my Lord then? I am weary of searching and my legs are so tired of walking, but I have seen Him in this neighborhood---ahh! I hear His voice! It is the home of Simon the Leper.

I stop and consider what I am about to do. Then I break through my fear and I run beyond reason, univited, into this place where I know I will find Him.

My presence is shocking.

There are only men reclining at the table. I am a woman. I am not supposed to be here, yet my passion fuels me. I run to Him. I am still carrying the heavy jar--the jar that is His--the jar that must be broken for Him.

I reach Him and I am weeping. I break the precious jar and pour the costly perfume--the ointment of nard--upon His head--His beautiful head--and my love pours out and scatters around Him like the shards of alabaster that are everywhere.

He is pleased! I have pleased my Lord! In His eyes I see the forgiveness and the love and the peace that paralyzed me at first and comforts me now.

In the background, I hear the other men call me "Wasteful!" and "Foolish!" and "Stupid!"

But Jesus--my Lord--my Love--Jesus calls me "Beautiful."

"I tell you the truth, wherever the gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her."

Mark 14:9

I Want to be a Cross-Bearer

I bought a book today that I had been wanting. The name is Reliving the Passion, written by Walter Wangerin, Jr. (who I really like because he thinks like me!). This book has forty meditations on the suffering, death, and ressurrection of Jesus. I had been anxious to get a copy since I read about it in another blog on the 2nd day of Lent.

All day it sat waiting as I finished up the necessaries. Now I open it. And I start out. But my Spirit is thirsty for the Truth I know is contained within those pages, so I read quickly and expectantly. Oh, but are they moving...and heavy...and sorrowful; words I don't think my spirit can hold all at once.

So I begin just to read "The Third Day, FRIDAY" and these are the words that speak:

"Jesus has many who love His kingdom in Heaven, but few who bear his Cross. Many follow Jesus to the Breaking of the Bread, but few to the drinking of the Cup of His Passion. They who love Jesus for His own sake, and not for the sake of comfort for themselves, bless Him in every trial and anguish of heart, no less than in the greatest joy." (Thomas a' Kempis)

Let's all be cross-bearers, then, for they are the truer followers of the Savior.

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

Matthew 16:24

Happy Birthday Grandma!

My Grandma Crow is 89 today and this is for her.

These are the things I love about Grandma:

• When I stayed at her house, she let me choose the room upstairs that I wanted to sleep in and I could even sleep in the crib if I chose it (I was smaller then).
• She had a cool old cash register in the closet that we could play with whenever we wanted.
• She also had a real wheelchair in her garage that all the grandkids LOVED to push each other in.
• In Grandma's basement was an old Victrola that played records to which we danced.
• Grandma let me take long baths and I could use the bubble bath that was shaped like a long skinny blue cat.
• Sometimes, Grandma took us to the Beauty school and let us get our fingernails painted and our hair curled. We looked SO beautiful!
• During Rodeo week, Grandma bought us cowboy hats and we got to go to a parade.
• After spending afternoons at the pool, sometimes Grandma would take us to Wendy's to eat.
• When I stayed at Grandma's alone, she would fix my hair before church and tell me how pretty I looked.
• Grandma always had Froot Loops in the closet and I could eat them for supper if I wanted.
• Grandma had a big dog, Tuffy (which was actually my cousin, Nicole's) and lots of cats. I loved those cats.
• On Grandma's Christmas tree, she always hung an ornament that had two twin Indian babies laying in a papoose.

Thank you, Grandma, for loving me and for making my childhood a happy place--a place full of comforting memories and sweet words from you.

I love you!

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones."

Proverbs 16:24

The Simple Life of a Child

As a Christ-follower, have you discovered how your life can be the simple life of a child?

While the world must work to cover lies, defend their opinions, and hold tightly to bitterness, the Christ-follower can live in God's truth, die to themselves (what a freedom--since I am often clumsy, clunky and wrong!), and let God avenge the wrongs.

As a Christ-follower, I am dead to myself and alive in Christ, which means I have no rights to myself or anyone else. Carrying around anger or unforgiveness can get pretty heavy, but I have choice to lay these down since I don't have to worry about "me" anymore. Arguments have better outcomes when I have no need to defend myself. And the fear of death is replaced with the Joy of life when I know that nothing can remove me from God's hands. My spirit knows where it is going when the tent of my body has "billowed down".

As I meditate on these truths and try to allow them reality in the everyday of my life, my existence becomes amazingly simple and uncomplicated. God is the Father. I am the child. He's going to do what Fathers do and take care of everything. I don't have to worry about my life---anymore--ever. How cool is that?

" I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Galations 2:20

My Uncle Tom

I read the book Uncle Tom's Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe about seven years ago, and I am still being inspired by it to this day. I think about Uncle Tom often and his consistent ability to live in the spiritual world--somewhere beyond his physical body and mind--and his ability to completely immerse himself in the person of Jesus Christ. I ask myself, "What would Uncle Tom do in this situation? How would he go beyond? He is a constant inspiration for me as I try to become ABSOLUTELY and ENTIRELY God's. An unfortunate life taught Uncle Tom the eternal value of loving Jesus and reflecting God's glory.

When Tom is sold away from his cheery little home on the plantation of a generous Master, he starts running toward his only Hope--Jesus. In one scene in the book, Uncle Tom is wrenched from his family and his kind master and is put upon a steamship headed for unknown places. Falling asleep, Tom has a dream where he hears little Eva (his former master's daughter) reading to him from the Bible. He could hear her voice: "When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; for I am the Lord thy God, the Holy One of Israel, Thy Saviour."

A little later, Tom was writhing under the cruel lashes of his new owner. "But the blows fell only upon the outer man, and not, as before, on the heart. Tom stood submissive; and yet Legree could not hide from himself the fact that his power over his victim had gone. As Tom disappeared in his cabin, and Legree wheeled his horse suddenly round, there passed through the tyrant's mind one of those vivid flashes that often send the lightning of conscience across the dark and wicked soul. He understood full well that it was God who was standing between him and Tom, and he blasphemed Him!"

Tom knew that his only real power and hope in this world lay not in the toughness of his body but in the tenderness of his spirit--and in the strength of God's Holy Spirit within that beaten body. The Power that Tom held from within made him impervious to the blows from without.

"Therefore put on the full armor of God so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

Ephesians 6:13

Oh, So Broken

My oldest sister Teri is going through a really difficult time lately and God has put a road before her that is difficult to walk--and she doesn't want to walk it, but she must. This fact grieves my soul.

Yesterday, I talked to God about His direction for her life. I told him what I thought should happen and how I thought he should have everyone act and think and respond. I told him what he should do because I was "oh, so wise". But God, in his gentle, sweet way, stopped me and said, with nothing but love in his heart, "Tori, you're not the boss."

And it made me cry. And I wrote this in my journal:


"God, I realize that I can't see the big picture. And I realize that you know what is best. But I cry and I grieve because I think I know what is best. I think I know what you would want. But, I don't know.

And I will not presume to know better than you. I am finite. You are infinite. I am broken. You are victorious. I am sad because life hurts sometimes and things that don't make sense sting deep.

Forgive me for my presumed wisdom in this situation. Forgive me for thinking that my way would be best. You are ALWAYS right and you are ALWAYS good. You are ALWAYS. I am your child and I will trust your judgment not my own.

Your will be done, not mine.

This prayer flowed from me not because I was "oh, so wise' but because I was "oh, so broken," and "oh, so prideful". I needed to pray this prayer to put me back in the place I belonged--under God's authority--not under Tori's authority.

It is so easy for us to think we can see the best path. We can only see the trail in front of us---God sees the whole map of our lives.

Let us not presume to know what is best. And let us not assume that bad things are a suprise to God. He is working out everything according to His plan--not ours.

"But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me."

Psalm 131:2

God's Mirrors

As I was meeting with a friend today to study God's truths, she said something very profound (and I paraphrase because I can't remember the exact words). It was this:

"Until you have experienced God's glory, you don't know that it is worth reflecting."

The truth pouring from this statement can only be learned from experience...experience learned from living in a world that is unkind to our souls.

When our lives twist and turn and we stumble and fall, we learn that God never fails us.

When people disappoint us and we feel alone, we learn that God will never leave us.

When normality is shattered and each day brings pain, we learn that God will strengthen us.

When everything is screaming and demanding attention, we learn that God's peace will quiet us.

When we think we can't go on, but we are able to persevere, we learn that God's presence is within us.

When we see all that He is to us... and all He has done for us... and all He is doing in us, shouldn't we yearn to give him the glory He is due? And when we finally understand the immense value of that glory, why would we not reflect it to others?

I want to be a child, so enamored with becoming like my Abba, that people will say, "I can see her Father in her."

May the reflection of His Glory be seen in my life...and in my friend's life.

It is SO worth it.

Christ does not exist to make much of us. We exist in order to enjoy making much of Him.

John Piper

"...God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory."

Colossians 1:27

Security

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God"

Corrie ten Boom

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11