Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Things I Am Exceptionally Bad At

Well, it's the new year, y'all and I do have some actual stories rolling around in my head, but since I find such stress relief in writing nonsense, that is what I will do first.  So jest hold on to yer horses and I will write an actual serious post here soon.  I promise.

If you have been reading my blog for any amount of time, you will see I like lists.  I like lists in real life too.  I don't know why.  I just do.  It has something to do with feeling like I am in control or something. Ha.  So...here's another one:

Last Wednesday night I was on a date with my husband and I uncharacteristically ordered a steak. That steak, and the work that it took to eat it, made me think about all the things that I am really bad at doing--you know what I am talking about--it's those activities that you sometimes have to do (or apparently, in my case, choose to do) to live your life as a grown-up.  These are the tasks that you hate to perform because you are so bad at them that you look stupid*.  Here's my list:

* To all you amateur psychiatrists out there, I do have a proper self-image and am aware that I am also good at some things.  I am not self-absorbed with my faults, but I do think self-deprecation is pretty darn hilarious, and it keeps me humble. Really, it's all good.  Just relax.

Things I am exceptionally bad at: 
(usually my grammar is not one of them. leave me alone.)

1.  I am bad at chewing.  It's true.  I think I was meant to be a herbivore because it takes me great effort to chew things like steak and stretchy cheese.  Usually I just stick with hamburger, pasta, or soup because those things are easy to chew and don't require so much embarrassing effort to consume.  My husband, Brent, is a good chewer and can eat a steak as easily as a peanut butter sandwich.  

2.  I am bad at cutting meat.  This point corresponds with the one above.  Not only am I a bad chewer, I am a bad cutter, which is the reason steak is so infrequently ordered.  Sometimes, when Brent and I travel, I see these sophisticated French people who eat with both their fork and their knives, and cutting looks easy for them.  I never know in which hand to hold the fork in and which to hold the knife--it all seems very confusing and cumbersome to me which is why I like yogurt and applesauce.

3.  I am bad at volleyball.  I tried to learn how to play.  I really did.  But the serving thing stumps me and I look ridiculous trying to do it.  When I was a college student, for some reason, sand volleyball was the thing you did when you gathered as a group, so, often I would start to sweat and act like I needed to go the bathroom so I could be gone when the actual game started.  It usually worked.  And if someone said, "You can still play!", I would just politely decline saying that I would rather watch, but in actuality, I didn't like watching either because I am also bad at watching sports.

4.  I am bad at fractions. and math in general.  But when fractions are involved, my heart rate rises because I can't remember if I am supposed to flip them over and add them or leave them as is and make the bottom numbers match by somehow multiplying them.  I do, however, know that 8 tablespoons of butter is one-half cup, and that is a fraction so I feel good about it. I also feel good about butter.  Additionally (see what I did there), something I read once said that CS Lewis was bad at math and this comforted me because people love CS Lewis and think he was smart.

5.  I am bad at big numbers.  I know this kind of goes with the last point, but it is different because not only am I bad at writing and reading big numbers, I am really bad at speaking big numbers.  And for this reason, I don't.  It is so hard to remember how many zeros follow million, billion, and trillion.  Good thing I shop at Aldi and never have to write anything that big. And good thing my lists are short.