Cookie Balls, Good Works, and the Grace of God

I have been a grandmother for nearly eight years, and I am starting to figure a few things out. One of those things is how to make cookies. 

COOKIE BALLS

If you have been a parent, a grandparent, or if you have spent time with little children, you will know that kids are inherently messy. My grandchildren are especially messy when helping make cookies in my normally tidy kitchen. Previously, the mention of “making cookies” with the grandchildren, which I am in favor of in theory, would bring fear to my mess-adverse mind. But because I knew that “making cookies with grandma” could possibly evoke warm memories for them and yumminess for all of us, I wanted to do it even if it meant dirty floors and sticky countertops; so, here is the method I have undertaken recently to produce the treats (and hopefully the memories as well!): I mix all of the ingredients together beforehand, roll the cookies into balls and place these balls in bags in my freezer. I call these very neatly produced goodies “cookie balls”.

GOOD WORKS

Now when the grandkids arrive eager to make cookies, I, with no angst whatsoever, open my freezer, whip out the pre-made treats and let them each place a few balls onto the cookie sheet. They are thrilled to “make cookies with grandma” and even more thrilled when those baked cookies, in all their glory, are removed from the oven and placed into their mouths! They have joined me in the good work of producing tasty hot-from-the-oven, oh-so-good cookies! Pleased with themselves and proud of their labors, they run to their parents and boast, “I made cookies!” 

Now, the reality of the situation is obvious to me and to their parents: they didn’t actually make the cookies at all; they simply placed them onto the baking sheet and watched them become something beautiful. Yet, because I allowed them to be a very small part of the process, they could celebrate a shared accomplishment as their own. And this makes me happy because I love them dearly and want them to feel both purpose and delight. Even though I was actually the one who measured the flour and the sugar and the soda and the salt, cracked the eggs and melted the butter, stirred in the chocolate chips and mixed the entire recipe together, and even if mine were the hands that rolled each cookie and placed it in the bag which I then put into the freezer, I am thrilled to let them take the credit because it gives them so much joy. They have successfully produced something good and are eager to do it again. 

THE GRACE OF GOD

Isn’t this like us? As Christians, we long to produce good things in our lives and the lives of others. And God allows this. He gives his children opportunities to succeed and to push the Kingdom of God forward. He grants us insight and understanding of his Word and his ways. He does all of this because he loves us dearly and wants us to feel purpose and delight. We often run and tell others about the “cookies” we produce: we boast about our willpower, or dedication, or even our long-suffering. We act as if we created these basic ingredients for life on our own. We make ourselves big and all-knowing, but we are only sticky children. God knows (and we know too but often forget) that it is his hands that produce any goodness in our lives. It is his Son who saved us, who lived perfectly in our place. It is his grace that allows us to take a very small part in the Kingdom-building task. He does these things because, “we are [his] handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10) 

God is omnipotent; he could choose to reconcile the world to himself by himself–it would be much less messy without us. But God is also a loving Father; he lets us naively take credit for much of what we produce because he delights in us. He wants us to be part of his success! When we, in all of our stickiness, place the “cookie balls” on the pan, and we take part in the good works God prepared for us in advance, we can truly “Taste and see that the Lord is good” (Ps 34:8). And we can appropriately give him, and not ourselves, all the glory!

No Worry Required

In the past, I have written about my guilty conscience and the ways I try to quiet it. Some things for which I used to feel guilty have resolved themselves because they involved parenting duties I have now relegated to my adult children themselves, ie: cutting their own fingernails and brushing their teeth. When they were small, I didn’t do these things for them and barely did them for myself because I was simply trying to survive and those things seemed superfluous. Now that I sleep and have large chunks of time at my disposal, most of the things I once felt guilty about no longer plague me. In fact, I don’t struggle as much with guilt now as I used to, maybe because I realized many of the things I struggled with were actually false guilt. What I struggle now with is worry. 

I worry about my kids. I worry about my grandkids; I tell myself to stop because it is their parents' job to worry about them and I already did– and am doing–that for my kids. If I keep worry tabs open for each grandchild–we are up to eight now–I would freeze, and my mind would become the spinning ball of death–the same ball that appears on my Mac when I give it too much to do. I worry about my husband, and I worry about both of us when we fly in his airplane. I worry about my dog which I left with friends in Wyoming because I didn’t want to fly him home and because he is epileptic and I worry about his seizures. As a writer and a non-rusher and a bit of a dawdler, I worry about productivity. So when I get into a good routine of writing or living or eating, I worry about stopping it because maybe I will never get into a good routine again. I worry about writing because it doesn’t come as easily and cleanly as it used to, and I have to work harder to make myself do it even though I love it. I worry that I might be stupid because even though I understand words and feelings, numbers and money confuse me. I worry about my hermit-like tendencies and wonder if maybe I should try to be around people more even though I really like staying home by myself. I worry about exercising, and then when I exercise too much I worry that I am not recovering well and that maybe I have permanently injured myself. I worry about having too much stuff. I am OCD with this and need to know where everything is so I can feel in control. If I have too much, I can’t keep track of it all and it is stressful for me. When we moved recently, I got rid of nearly half of my possessions and keepsakes and it felt very clean and controlled. Now I worry about buying things because that clean feeling might go away. I worry about everything happening in the world today and that things are spinning wildly out of control and nothing will ever be beautiful again.

But mostly, I worry about worrying because I know that it accomplishes ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. So why do I do it, and why do I keep letting myself get into the mental space where everything feels threatening and life seems oppressive and ugly? I do it because I don’t really truly believe that God is sovereign and good. If you asked me this, I would say that I do believe he is those things, but I am realizing now that I don't. But I want to.

If I truly, with all my worrying heart, believed that God was holding onto everything and that nothing happened that wasn’t sifted through his holy hands, I could relax. I mean really relax. And I could enjoy the life he has assigned me in the time and place he has put me. If I truly trusted that he is good and that he is doing good for me, I could live the simple life of a child–God’s child. I wouldn’t worry because my Heavenly Father is in control. He is all-powerful. He is omniscient. And nothing ever surprises him. He is allowing history to unfold in the exact manner that he planned, and he is not shocked by the brokenness of the people he has made. If I really believed that I was praying to my Father–to my FATHER–in Heaven when I pray the Lord’s prayer or any prayer, I could shed my propensity to worry about everything as fast as my granddaughter sheds her clothes at the mention of a bath. 

Because really, what is worry? It accomplishes nothing except fear. It makes me distrustful and sometimes bitter because if nothing bad ever happened, I would never have to do it. The only time I find myself at ease and not worrying is when everything is going my way and no one is sick and no one is sad and all of my possessions are tidy and in order. 

But this is no way to live, because then I am always worrying that the perfectness is just about to end, and then I will be back to worrying again. I try to mitigate all of this by telling my kids to drive carefully and to stay healthy. I put up gates in my new house so no one will fall down the stairs and break themselves although I am still worried that they will stand on the bench that sits by the stairs and catapult themselves overboard and land lifeless in the basement. These thoughts create panic in my brain, not peace. So how do I stop? How do I get to a place of peace?

I get to peace by giving it all up–all the worry. I get to peace by trusting that God has my best life planned, even if it’s not the way I may think best, it will be the very best to make me more like him. I get to peace by praying and telling him that I am worrying again, and that I know that I am not supposed to worry about anything. I get to peace by reviewing his faithfulness in my life in the past. I get to peace by reading the Bible and seeing things that God already did and things he has already worked out behind the scenes when no one even knew he was doing it. I get to peace by truly believing that God has already won the battle over Satan. That he sent Jesus to live perfectly in my place so I have nothing to prove. That everything sad will one day become untrue. 

I get to peace by realizing that when I focus on my little ever-changing life, I am uncomfortable and insecure. And by realizing that when I focus on God and his unchanging nature, I can be still and know that he is God. When I look at his sovereignty rather than my fickleness, I see that worry is silly because we have no control over anything. But God does. 

And he is a master at making everything beautiful in its time.

God has a beautiful worry-free life planned for me. I just need to believe it and give up my perceived control. I need to remind myself daily of his goodness. I need to stop worrying, look for the peace he has promised, and learn to trust him more.

Because he really is sovereign and good.

 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

Heart Healing Words

Recently, my sister, Tanya, was experiencing episodes of a chaotic and irregular heartbeat. Not only did the electrical system in her heart seem to be misfiring at the most inopportune times, but the stress created by this uncertainty severely limited her active lifestyle. Finally, after a particularly scary event on her daily walk, Tanya made an appointment with a heart specialist and decided to receive a heart ablation per his recommendation. An ablation is a surgical procedure that is used to treat irregular or abnormal heart rhythms, and Tanya’s was successful. But the anxiety that had been created by this malady still haunted her, making her doubt the surgeon’s opinion. She still felt great fear every time she attempted anything that would raise her heart rate significantly. So, after many months of feeling like a victim of her unfortunate circumstances, Tanya revisited the surgeon and exclaimed, “I just want to be able to do the things I used to do!” and the doctor’s swift response was, “You can.” He told her that the procedure had healed her heart and that she should just stop thinking about it.  This whole experience was transformative for Tanya because she chose to completely trust the doctor and take him at his word. She knew that he was skilled and esteemed and she chose to believe that his action to heal her heart had been successful. She no longer needed to worry. She could do the things--walk, hike, run, rejoice--she used to do and she could do them with gusto.

 

Words have power to change how we feel about ourselves. Tanya believed the doctor’s declaration and it ushered her from fear to freedom.

 

If the words of men have the power to transform our lives, how much more the words of God? Do I truly believe the things God has spoken in the Bible? 

What does he really think of me? Here’s God’s honest truth:

1. GOD LOVES ME! Romans 8:38-39 tells us it’s true. The Creator of the universe thinks I am the cat’s pajamas (although none of my cats ever wore pajamas, I think this is a huge compliment!) 

2. I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN BY HIM. Not only chosen, but also an heir to an amazing inheritance with Jesus in Heaven (Ephesians 1:11-14)

3. I AM PRECIOUS AND HONORED. I love reading Isaiah 43 when I am feeling low or insignificant because I know if God calls me by name that I am special.

4. HE GIVES ME POWER TO CONQUER SIN. Sanctification is a long process of making mistakes and then turning back to God. The painful truth of the matter is that while I am in this world, sin will be present in my mortal body. However, I have a choice of whether to follow my sin or follow my Savior. God has given me a helper in the Holy Spirit–John calls it an Advocate–who can assist me in making good choices that glorify God. I won’t always make the right choice, but as a Christ-follower, I have been equipped for success by the Holy Spirit inside me.

5. I CAN’T OUT-SIN JESUS’ BLOOD. When I wallow in my missteps or carry my shame around as a punishment, I am telling Jesus that his sacrifice for me is not enough. But 1 John 1:9 tells us what is actually true: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Jesus' blood was enough for the whole world’s sin–including mine.

6. GOD IS MORE CONCERNED ABOUT MAKING ME HOLY THAN HAPPY. God does want me to have an abundant life, but that abundance may look different than I had envisioned because Father knows best and Tori thinks she knows best but doesn’t. This doesn’t mean that I have to fear things that God allows, but it does mean that in this world I will have trouble because the world is broken. I can be encouraged, though, because in the end, God wins.

7. MY LIFE REALLY ISN’T ABOUT ME AT ALL, IT’S ABOUT GOD. In this insta-world with abundant selfies and admonitions to follow my heart, I need to remember that my life needs to be focused on someone else: my Creator. He is the one who will meet all my needs, help me to thrive, and make me feel like I am worthy of love. Our narcissistic world does not provide hope. But my supreme God does: “For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy.” I am not “all that” but God is. He created me and he deserves all the glory. It’s so good for me to remember that.

People’s words can transform the way we think. God’s words can transform our very hearts. The Ultimate Physician has not only healed our hearts, he has poured his life--his righteousness--into them and he has told us so. Do we really believe him? The words he says about us are true, and when we do believe them, we can experience freedom to do the things we were designed to do--to run with freedom, not fear, and with gusto towards the beautiful life he has given us. Praise be to our Healer!

Update: Since first writing this piece, my sister has not only been able to start running, but she faced her anxiety head on by completing a MARATHON in November–with me!

 

STOP IT!

There is an old Bob Newhart skit where a woman enters his office (he is a psychologist) and tells him that she has one great fear; being buried alive in a box. After she elaborates and asks the doctor what she should do, he tells her, “I am going to say two words to you right now, and I want you to listen to them very very carefully, then take them out of the office with you and incorporate them into your life . . . STOP IT!” 

I have watched this over and over and laugh out loud at the doctor’s lack of finesse and empathy. But recently, because I am finally recognizing my constant negative feedback loop regarding myself and others, I have heard God saying, STOP IT! He doesn’t tell me to stop these damaging thoughts about myself and others because he lacks finesse or empathy like Bob Newhart. He is trying to change my thinking because he is sanctifying me. Sanctification means that he is making me into the very best Tori that I can be–the Tori he envisioned even before I was born. 

Because I have Christ’s Spirit in me, I can identify thoughts that originate from my sinful nature instead of my new nature, but I have no obligation to obey them because Scripture tells me that my old nature is no longer in charge: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”-- 2 Corinthians 5:17

When I notice that I am thinking about myself or another with dishonor or judgment, I can stop those thoughts in their tracks, and realize that those are the thoughts of the enemy, not God. I can tell Satan to STOP IT! He won’t win with me anymore. I don’t have to obey those thoughts–or him. I can choose to set my mind on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable . . .” (Philippians 4:8). 

I am a child of God, so I don’t have to be a prisoner of my own wrong thinking. I don’t have to allow Satan to have victory in my thought life. I can take charge by telling myself to STOP IT! when I head down the well-worn path of negative thinking. This will not only change my thinking but my feelings about myself and others.

Sin no longer can dominate me because I have died to it. And now my new self is being made into the image of my Creator. The thoughts I have about myself and others should be hope-filled and not condemning because Romans 8:1 tells me that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. How liberating!

It seems like after nearly forty years of following Jesus that I would recognize the power I possess as his child, but God only gives us understanding of his ways little by little, and sometimes those little epiphanies show themselves when we need them most. God has been faithful to lead me in the past. He will faithfully lead me now. When he shows me my sinful thinking, I need to choose to STOP IT!, repent it, and run back into the safe arms of my sweet Jesus.

 

Welcome 2025! I'm back!

 

After a long absence from my blog, I am motivated to gain more regular writing rhythms and posting here will help create a good cadence in my life. And speaking of my life, here are some things God is teaching me right now.

Five things I learned began to learn in 2024 (and hope to continue to learn in 2025)

He must become greater; I must become less.  – John 3:30

1.   I am learning to be SMALL

Not small in stature. I am still all of 5’10”, tall for a woman, but small in my own mind. And small in my accomplishments. There was a time when I wanted a bigger life, bigger responsibilities, bigger acclaim. I wanted to be known for something I could do really well. But through hiding in my Savior this year, I have found out that in him, I am big to God. When you are big to God, it doesn’t matter if you are small to everyone else or even yourself. Mother Teresa also made this observation when she famously quoted, “Not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” I can lovingly do even the very smallest things –whether writing or editing or making a meal for my family – that God has placed before me and be satisfied because they are mine. 

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

    my God, in whom I trust.” 

– Psalm 91:1-2

2. I am learning to HIDE

For so many years in my life, I wanted to be seen–seen as smart, seen as organized, seen as clever and having it all together. These things were important to me, and people’s admiration made me feel validated and valued. I still desire that my voice be heard and my ideas understood, but the gospel has shown me that if I put God in his rightful place by making much of him, not myself, I can be satisfied in the simple fact that I am his child. I am still flattered by the occasional notice or ‘atta girl, but the cravings for people’s approval has diminished. I don’t need to be noticed or approved because I believe I am a child of the King and that is what makes me valuable.

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. – James 4:7-8a

3. I am learning to RESIST

This year God has shown me how often I let Satan infiltrate my thoughts. The enemy subtly convinces me to feel sorry for myself and hold grudges against others. When I fall prey to his words, I feel justified when I judge others. When I listen to the call to selfishness rather than selflessness, I make myself big and make others–and God–small, and I walk the road of superiority rather than humility. But when I recognize this warfare and resist it with the armor of God (Ephesians 6), all I have to do is stand my ground. The Lord fights for me; he is, after all, the final victor in the cosmic battle (Revelation 21). If I choose to think God’s thoughts about whatever is true or right or lovely, rather than Tori’s thoughts about others perceived slights and offenses,  I can truly demonstrate calvary’s love. I can give all my hurts to God who sees and records all of my tears. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4. I am learning to LOVE

         I have known great love–first through the tender care of my mother and the safety provided by my father. Then, as a child with my sisters and friends, and even my cats. I experienced a thrilling love when I met Brent and married him–what a whirlwind that was! When we had Luke, I understood love in a whole new way, and the intensity of it scared me; this mother-love only continued as we had Tess, Shay, and Cole. And then came the grandbabies: my love continues to grow without limit and to surprise me by its constancy. But this year, I learned about love beyond reason or emotion. I finally understood that Christ’s calvary love should change me. Calvary love: the love that gave up everything to redeem me, that lost everything to give me life, that degraded itself and hung naked on a cross, that suffered unimaginable pain so I could be whole. That love, that LOVE, should so flood my soul. It should temper my mouth and my mind. The amazement of that unselfish act should make all my idle words quiet. The calvary vision should change me so I can love like Christ–even when I hurt, even when I am neglected, even when I feel ignored. When I ruminate on calvary’s love, I can more easily embody patience, humility and honor and more quickly exude joy not anger. 

The path of the righteous is like the morning sun,

    shining ever brighter till the full light of day.

–Proverbs 4:18

5. I am learning to ACCEPT

       Over the course of my life, I have developed a negative feedback loop. The chatter inside my head–often aided and abetted by Satan– tells me I am a failure, a disappointment, stupid. These are not from the God of hope, but from a sin-tainted mind in need of adjustment. This adjustment comes from time spent in the Word where I remind myself of what is true: even though I do sometimes fail, disappoint, and lack clarity, Jesus never did. I can live within my imperfections because he was perfect in my place. When I surrender to him in faith, I can base my self-worth on his perfect life, death, and resurrection, and I can accept who I am even though sanctification is painfully slow. God promises if I faithfully walk beside him, he will continue to work on me. But I won’t be perfect until I meet him face to face. What a wonderful day that will be!

In 2025, I know that God’s gentle wooing and enormous patience with me will continue. If I am satisfied in smallness, and if I choose to resist the devil and to demonstrate Calvary’s love, I will be able to revel in who God made me right now and delight in the Tori he sees fit to reveal.

Mother, behold your son. Son, behold your mother--a Good Friday Meditation

Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother’s sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to her, “Woman, here is your son,” and to the disciple, “Here is your mother.” From that time on, this disciple took her into his home.  John 19:25-27

What was it like?  To see your firstborn on a cross? Making plans for your care with the last of his breath?  30 years ago, I had a baby boy, my firstborn.  Instantly, I loved him.  Did Mary feel that too?  What was she feeling as her son, just a little older than mine is now, died a horrific death as she watched, helpless? Reflecting on this passage, I put myself in her spot; I see the Lord Jesus as if he were my child. My baby. My heart.

I Carried You. I remember the night the angel told me I would carry the Son of God.  I was confused, scared... but satisfied.  What the angel said would happen.  I carried you in my womb and felt your kicks in my belly.  My body gave you life.

O God, my son, my precious one, hangs there naked, moaning. Do you hear him?  Are you carrying him now?

I Saw You Breathe. When you arrived on that starlit night, you took your first breath and let out a cry. Many nights after that, I would go in quietly just to see you breathe--your little chest rising and falling.  Then I would silently creep out, comforted by your abundant life.

O Lord, He is crying! His chest heaves as his life, my life, creeps out of him. Will he really breathe again?

I Held Your Hand. As a toddler, you would reach for me, chubby hands would hold my face.  I basked in your soft tenderness. After you played, I washed the dust out of the creases of those velvet hands. Oh that I might hold those bleeding hands now; that my kiss would make all well.

When they pierced his hands, Holy Father, the hammer resounded as if in victory. This is your son too, Lord. Why could it not be me?  

Your Hands Heal My Soul. But, it is with those same hands, now broken, that MY SOUL is tenderly healed.  My son, whose hands I held, bears the wrath of God for ME!.  It’s YOUR blood that washes away the dusty creases of my sin.

"My God, My God, why have you forsaken your Son? His suffering, his separation -- will bring salvation? But this way... this pain?"

Your Breath Gives Me Life. It is your body that breathes its last so that I will never die.  The warm breath I felt on my cheek now makes my chest rise and fall. When you silently creep out of this world, I gain abundant life. 

God, is this the sorrow you spoke of at first?  The sorrow I couldn’t see through the joy?  Please remind me that this is not the end.  He lived a life of perfection for you so he could die a death of ransom for me.

You Will Carry Me Home. It is You who carries me now.  What the angel said would happen.  When you were small I carried you, snuggled up close to my heart. Now I kick and cry but I cling to the hope of Shalom; I am confused and scared...but satisfied.  Your body gives me life.

I long to see you Lord, to join my son in forever. He will rise again, my Savior!  Bring shalom to greet us Lord; bring heaven to this broken place and peace to my broken heart. 

 

Make all things new!

Make all things new!

Make all things new!

Joseph's Journey

 

Many miles and dusty valleys

Tired donkey, tired wife

Many people but no refuge

Desperate husband, soon...new life!

Big dark city, small dank stable

Sounds of livestock, bright starlight

Bedding down in hay for horses

Frightened mother, strange still night

Pain is coursing, man is pacing

Time is birthing God’s own Son!

Red and wrinkled, baby Savior

Are you the Long Expected One?

Great rejoicing with the angels!

Great rejoicing in the field!

All at once, time races forward 

Grace now present, Word fulfilled 

Awestruck wonder, man is speechless

Grateful heart and weary soul

Gently kneeling low to greet him

Welcome baby, welcome Lord!