God's Beautiful Design

 

I bought a Ken doll on my last Walmart run. In addition, I purchased a black tux for him and a white wedding dress for Barbie. Why were these things on my list among staples like eggs, milk, and bananas? Let me tell you the backstory.

My six-year-old granddaughter, Joelle, was playing at my house with my very limited Barbie selection when she decided to have a wedding. Gathering up the two Barbies (the wedding party), the lone Skipper doll and Skipper’s two dogs (the guests), she dressed them all–minus the plastic pooches–in their finest and frilliest dresses. Then she marched the two biggest of the Barbies down the aisle between the couch and coffee table.

Married

When I asked her what she was doing, she innocently told me that she was playing “wedding” and presented the new couple to me for perusal. As I looked at the meticulously dressed pair, I told Jo that I needed to get a Ken doll so Barbie could marry Ken, to which she responded, “Sometimes girls marry girls.” 

Gulp. 

When my sweet, innocent granddaughter responded in this way, it felt like an offense to my soul. And when my soul is offended, I often speak rashly. But this time, by God’s grace, I didn’t. What I did was what I call “swallow the gasp”.

When I took a few minutes to “swallow”, I was able to resist my most natural reply: “It’s sinful for girls to marry girls.” I chose to thwart this opinion because, even though I firmly hold it, I am trying to reframe my perspective about the brokenness in our world. So, instead I said, “Sometimes girls do marry girls, I said, but that’s not God’s beautiful design.”

Marred

It’s the truth. God’s design is beautiful, but when his design is marred by people who don’t know him, the discrepancy tempts me to play judge. Because I believe God’s design for life and marriage is the very best thing for all of us, I dismiss the dignity of those who eschew it, and gasp at the thought of their choice. Though I would never admit this, I label myself as better than them, and I let my words of judgement flow out of my mouth and –sometimes–into my granddaughter’s ears.

When I respond by gasping instead of showing graciousness, I, too, mar God’s beautiful design. So many times I, the Christian, have talked derogatorily about them, the non-Christian pursuing the sinful paths our society offers to them. Why should I expect anything else? But judging them is not my job–it’s God’s. Recently, I was convicted of this by a tiny book by Amy Carmichael called “If”. In this slim volume, Amy writes several pages about Calvary love, and she says this: “If I belittle those whom I am called to serve, talk of their weak points in contrast perhaps with what I think of as my strong points; if I adopt a superior attitude, forgetting “who made thee to differ? And what hast thou that thou hast not received?” I know nothing of Calvary love.” Wow. Wouldn’t I show Calvary love more fully if, when my soul is offended, I swallowed the gasp–and my judgement–and let sweet words of beauty come out? 

When I errantly speak of these Biblical values as rules to be followed, I take away the freedom of the gospel. When I use the gospel to defend myself rather than give life to my neighbor, I steal the appeal of godliness. But when I demonstrate by my words and deeds, the solidity and clarity and graciousness of God’s free gift to me through the death of Jesus–a death that I deserve–I wipe away the grime from the lens my friends are looking through and let the Son shine in. 

Marvelous

The gospel is not onerous or heavy to bear. The gospel is marvelous because it gives broken humans, like me, a way to become whole again. So, why do I so often gasp? I should be gazing so intently at the gospel that others can’t help but look.

Because I have been gazing more lately, I was able to respond rightly after Barbie had married her friend. Had I gasped when Joelle told me that girls marry girls, she would have learned to look at wordly people as “less-than, invaluable, bad”. But by allowing the Holy Spirit to refocus my mind on God’s beautiful design, I was able to explain that people are faulted, but God is grand. Even though I don't want to emulate sinful choices or celebrate worldly actions, I can esteem these image-bearers as people whom God dearly loves. Rather than condemning what is clearly condemnable, I can choose to offer something commendable–God’s majesty and beauty and his most marvelous ways! 

Recently, Joelle played “wedding” again, but this time Barbie married Ken. And as they walked down the aisle between the couch and the coffee table with the other Barbie, Skipper and the two dogs acting as guests, I felt happy for Jo’s choice, for the new couple, and for God’s good grace to me. In his utmost patience, God is still teaching me to swallow my gasp, to strengthen my grasp on my own sinful ways, and to embrace God’s beautiful design.

Between a Bear and a Hard Place

On a sunny, blue sky day in July 2020, my husband, Brent, and I decided we would take an overnight hike to a beautiful waterfall we had read about but never seen. We carefully planned our route, packed our backpacks, and started walking from our ranch in northwest Wyoming towards the adjoining Shoshone National Forest. Out the door before sunrise and feeling strong, we chose to climb Jim Mountain–elevation 10,430 ft–on the way. In retrospect, this rigorous climb was probably a bad idea since the afternoon heat was stifling, and the additional distance to our chosen destination was turning out to be farther than we had planned. What started off as cheerful banter between us had deteriorated into irritated grumbling. Then in the far mountains we saw it–only the faintest white ribbon descending–and the promise of beauty drew us across the grassy valley towards our waterfall. Gaining ground, I saw something dark moving in the distance and remarked to my husband, “Hey, what’s that animal up there?” Brent, focused and barely looking up, replied, “Probably a mule deer.” 

As we got closer to the animal, I saw that it was actually two animals. Closer yet and I saw the telltale hump between the shoulder blades of the larger Grizzly Bear! A mama and a baby bear were out for their evening meal which presently consisted of grass. As mama lifted her head to sniff, I could tell she was hoping to add some meat to her menu. By this time, I had been quietly yelling, “Those are Grizzly Bears!” and other panicked exclamations while Brent kept telling me that our trail was “just past the bears”. When my husband has a goal, changing plans is a very hard sell.

This is the point in the story where things get a little ugly. Brent insisted we keep going and quietly sneak past the beasts. I sadly envisioned our kids telling the story about Mom being eaten by a wild animal. The distance between Brent and I widened as he pushed toward the trail, and I moved in the opposite direction. Suddenly, with the wind whipping wildly, I noticed I was approaching an immense cavern. Here were my present options: Go left and fall to my death off a cliff; go right and become supper for a bear. Overwhelmed, I slumped down to the ground, holding onto a boulder so I wouldn’t blow away. I cried with loud and miserable sobs. Brent eventually turned around, told me gently to get up, and took my hand. Discarding his waterfall hopes, he led me to solid ground–in the opposite direction of the waterfall and the bears.

My recent journey through menopause, midlife, and empty-nest marriage has often made me think of this waterfall-hunting misadventure. Already tired from the strenuous job of raising four humans, I was trekking on to get to my beautiful waterfall years, which I envisioned to be filled with sunshine and gorgeous wildflowers. Instead, my path led me to some unfamiliar manifestations of the layered life transitions I was experiencing. 

Menopause seen from a distance seemed harmless, part of the natural order of things. But up close, it threatened to eat my confidence. Midlife offered new freedoms, but I was unprepared for the anxiety produced by standing on the edge of an unknown precipice. And marriage after the kids left our home was often so confounding that I just wanted to hold onto a rock and cry my eyes out. 

But here is where the story gets better–beautiful even. When I was all of these things, trying to withstand the winds of change by my own power and will, crying with loud and miserable sobs, I became overwhelmed by all the changes in this midlife time. Finally, and with a little help from my friends, I ran to God. Not immediately. Not always willingly. But eventually. I got to the limits of my abilities to cope, and I went to the safest place I knew: The Rock of Ages, my only solid ground.

Sometimes we think navigating life’s tough passes requires great personal strength and fortitude, but in my midlife journey, I have found the opposite to be true. Peace during times of change requires a surrender of control, not a white-knuckled grasp for it. If we humbly accept the path God has us on during major life transitions, we can trust that he will take us by the hand and pull us up. But unlike an exasperated Brent, God will not lead us away from the goal; he has equipped us for this very journey. By hiking the scary path in our place many many years ago, he secured safe passage for us. Now, by his Spirit, we can walk right past the bears and alongside the canyon without fear of falling in. And if we keep faithfully following his steps, he will lovingly lead us into the awesome waterfall of his grace. 

Trust in the Lord forever,

    for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.

~Isaiah 26:4

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;

    my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,

    my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

~Psalm 18:2

No Worry Required

In the past, I have written about my guilty conscience and the ways I try to quiet it. Some things for which I used to feel guilty have resolved themselves because they involved parenting duties I have now relegated to my adult children themselves, ie: cutting their own fingernails and brushing their teeth. When they were small, I didn’t do these things for them and barely did them for myself because I was simply trying to survive and those things seemed superfluous. Now that I sleep and have large chunks of time at my disposal, most of the things I once felt guilty about no longer plague me. In fact, I don’t struggle as much with guilt now as I used to, maybe because I realized many of the things I struggled with were actually false guilt. What I struggle now with is worry. 

I worry about my kids. I worry about my grandkids; I tell myself to stop because it is their parents' job to worry about them and I already did– and am doing–that for my kids. If I keep worry tabs open for each grandchild–we are up to eight now–I would freeze, and my mind would become the spinning ball of death–the same ball that appears on my Mac when I give it too much to do. I worry about my husband, and I worry about both of us when we fly in his airplane. I worry about my dog which I left with friends in Wyoming because I didn’t want to fly him home and because he is epileptic and I worry about his seizures. As a writer and a non-rusher and a bit of a dawdler, I worry about productivity. So when I get into a good routine of writing or living or eating, I worry about stopping it because maybe I will never get into a good routine again. I worry about writing because it doesn’t come as easily and cleanly as it used to, and I have to work harder to make myself do it even though I love it. I worry that I might be stupid because even though I understand words and feelings, numbers and money confuse me. I worry about my hermit-like tendencies and wonder if maybe I should try to be around people more even though I really like staying home by myself. I worry about exercising, and then when I exercise too much I worry that I am not recovering well and that maybe I have permanently injured myself. I worry about having too much stuff. I am OCD with this and need to know where everything is so I can feel in control. If I have too much, I can’t keep track of it all and it is stressful for me. When we moved recently, I got rid of nearly half of my possessions and keepsakes and it felt very clean and controlled. Now I worry about buying things because that clean feeling might go away. I worry about everything happening in the world today and that things are spinning wildly out of control and nothing will ever be beautiful again.

But mostly, I worry about worrying because I know that it accomplishes ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. So why do I do it, and why do I keep letting myself get into the mental space where everything feels threatening and life seems oppressive and ugly? I do it because I don’t really truly believe that God is sovereign and good. If you asked me this, I would say that I do believe he is those things, but I am realizing now that I don't. But I want to.

If I truly, with all my worrying heart, believed that God was holding onto everything and that nothing happened that wasn’t sifted through his holy hands, I could relax. I mean really relax. And I could enjoy the life he has assigned me in the time and place he has put me. If I truly trusted that he is good and that he is doing good for me, I could live the simple life of a child–God’s child. I wouldn’t worry because my Heavenly Father is in control. He is all-powerful. He is omniscient. And nothing ever surprises him. He is allowing history to unfold in the exact manner that he planned, and he is not shocked by the brokenness of the people he has made. If I really believed that I was praying to my Father–to my FATHER–in Heaven when I pray the Lord’s prayer or any prayer, I could shed my propensity to worry about everything as fast as my granddaughter sheds her clothes at the mention of a bath. 

Because really, what is worry? It accomplishes nothing except fear. It makes me distrustful and sometimes bitter because if nothing bad ever happened, I would never have to do it. The only time I find myself at ease and not worrying is when everything is going my way and no one is sick and no one is sad and all of my possessions are tidy and in order. 

But this is no way to live, because then I am always worrying that the perfectness is just about to end, and then I will be back to worrying again. I try to mitigate all of this by telling my kids to drive carefully and to stay healthy. I put up gates in my new house so no one will fall down the stairs and break themselves although I am still worried that they will stand on the bench that sits by the stairs and catapult themselves overboard and land lifeless in the basement. These thoughts create panic in my brain, not peace. So how do I stop? How do I get to a place of peace?

I get to peace by giving it all up–all the worry. I get to peace by trusting that God has my best life planned, even if it’s not the way I may think best, it will be the very best to make me more like him. I get to peace by praying and telling him that I am worrying again, and that I know that I am not supposed to worry about anything. I get to peace by reviewing his faithfulness in my life in the past. I get to peace by reading the Bible and seeing things that God already did and things he has already worked out behind the scenes when no one even knew he was doing it. I get to peace by truly believing that God has already won the battle over Satan. That he sent Jesus to live perfectly in my place so I have nothing to prove. That everything sad will one day become untrue. 

I get to peace by realizing that when I focus on my little ever-changing life, I am uncomfortable and insecure. And by realizing that when I focus on God and his unchanging nature, I can be still and know that he is God. When I look at his sovereignty rather than my fickleness, I see that worry is silly because we have no control over anything. But God does. 

And he is a master at making everything beautiful in its time.

God has a beautiful worry-free life planned for me. I just need to believe it and give up my perceived control. I need to remind myself daily of his goodness. I need to stop worrying, look for the peace he has promised, and learn to trust him more.

Because he really is sovereign and good.

 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

Heart Healing Words

Recently, my sister, Tanya, was experiencing episodes of a chaotic and irregular heartbeat. Not only did the electrical system in her heart seem to be misfiring at the most inopportune times, but the stress created by this uncertainty severely limited her active lifestyle. Finally, after a particularly scary event on her daily walk, Tanya made an appointment with a heart specialist and decided to receive a heart ablation per his recommendation. An ablation is a surgical procedure that is used to treat irregular or abnormal heart rhythms, and Tanya’s was successful. But the anxiety that had been created by this malady still haunted her, making her doubt the surgeon’s opinion. She still felt great fear every time she attempted anything that would raise her heart rate significantly. So, after many months of feeling like a victim of her unfortunate circumstances, Tanya revisited the surgeon and exclaimed, “I just want to be able to do the things I used to do!” and the doctor’s swift response was, “You can.” He told her that the procedure had healed her heart and that she should just stop thinking about it.  This whole experience was transformative for Tanya because she chose to completely trust the doctor and take him at his word. She knew that he was skilled and esteemed and she chose to believe that his action to heal her heart had been successful. She no longer needed to worry. She could do the things--walk, hike, run, rejoice--she used to do and she could do them with gusto.

 

Words have power to change how we feel about ourselves. Tanya believed the doctor’s declaration and it ushered her from fear to freedom.

 

If the words of men have the power to transform our lives, how much more the words of God? Do I truly believe the things God has spoken in the Bible? 

What does he really think of me? Here’s God’s honest truth:

1. GOD LOVES ME! Romans 8:38-39 tells us it’s true. The Creator of the universe thinks I am the cat’s pajamas (although none of my cats ever wore pajamas, I think this is a huge compliment!) 

2. I HAVE BEEN CHOSEN BY HIM. Not only chosen, but also an heir to an amazing inheritance with Jesus in Heaven (Ephesians 1:11-14)

3. I AM PRECIOUS AND HONORED. I love reading Isaiah 43 when I am feeling low or insignificant because I know if God calls me by name that I am special.

4. HE GIVES ME POWER TO CONQUER SIN. Sanctification is a long process of making mistakes and then turning back to God. The painful truth of the matter is that while I am in this world, sin will be present in my mortal body. However, I have a choice of whether to follow my sin or follow my Savior. God has given me a helper in the Holy Spirit–John calls it an Advocate–who can assist me in making good choices that glorify God. I won’t always make the right choice, but as a Christ-follower, I have been equipped for success by the Holy Spirit inside me.

5. I CAN’T OUT-SIN JESUS’ BLOOD. When I wallow in my missteps or carry my shame around as a punishment, I am telling Jesus that his sacrifice for me is not enough. But 1 John 1:9 tells us what is actually true: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Jesus' blood was enough for the whole world’s sin–including mine.

6. GOD IS MORE CONCERNED ABOUT MAKING ME HOLY THAN HAPPY. God does want me to have an abundant life, but that abundance may look different than I had envisioned because Father knows best and Tori thinks she knows best but doesn’t. This doesn’t mean that I have to fear things that God allows, but it does mean that in this world I will have trouble because the world is broken. I can be encouraged, though, because in the end, God wins.

7. MY LIFE REALLY ISN’T ABOUT ME AT ALL, IT’S ABOUT GOD. In this insta-world with abundant selfies and admonitions to follow my heart, I need to remember that my life needs to be focused on someone else: my Creator. He is the one who will meet all my needs, help me to thrive, and make me feel like I am worthy of love. Our narcissistic world does not provide hope. But my supreme God does: “For in him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things have been created through him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy.” I am not “all that” but God is. He created me and he deserves all the glory. It’s so good for me to remember that.

People’s words can transform the way we think. God’s words can transform our very hearts. The Ultimate Physician has not only healed our hearts, he has poured his life--his righteousness--into them and he has told us so. Do we really believe him? The words he says about us are true, and when we do believe them, we can experience freedom to do the things we were designed to do--to run with freedom, not fear, and with gusto towards the beautiful life he has given us. Praise be to our Healer!

Update: Since first writing this piece, my sister has not only been able to start running, but she faced her anxiety head on by completing a MARATHON in November–with me!

 

STOP IT!

There is an old Bob Newhart skit where a woman enters his office (he is a psychologist) and tells him that she has one great fear; being buried alive in a box. After she elaborates and asks the doctor what she should do, he tells her, “I am going to say two words to you right now, and I want you to listen to them very very carefully, then take them out of the office with you and incorporate them into your life . . . STOP IT!” 

I have watched this over and over and laugh out loud at the doctor’s lack of finesse and empathy. But recently, because I am finally recognizing my constant negative feedback loop regarding myself and others, I have heard God saying, STOP IT! He doesn’t tell me to stop these damaging thoughts about myself and others because he lacks finesse or empathy like Bob Newhart. He is trying to change my thinking because he is sanctifying me. Sanctification means that he is making me into the very best Tori that I can be–the Tori he envisioned even before I was born. 

Because I have Christ’s Spirit in me, I can identify thoughts that originate from my sinful nature instead of my new nature, but I have no obligation to obey them because Scripture tells me that my old nature is no longer in charge: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”-- 2 Corinthians 5:17

When I notice that I am thinking about myself or another with dishonor or judgment, I can stop those thoughts in their tracks, and realize that those are the thoughts of the enemy, not God. I can tell Satan to STOP IT! He won’t win with me anymore. I don’t have to obey those thoughts–or him. I can choose to set my mind on “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable . . .” (Philippians 4:8). 

I am a child of God, so I don’t have to be a prisoner of my own wrong thinking. I don’t have to allow Satan to have victory in my thought life. I can take charge by telling myself to STOP IT! when I head down the well-worn path of negative thinking. This will not only change my thinking but my feelings about myself and others.

Sin no longer can dominate me because I have died to it. And now my new self is being made into the image of my Creator. The thoughts I have about myself and others should be hope-filled and not condemning because Romans 8:1 tells me that there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ. How liberating!

It seems like after nearly forty years of following Jesus that I would recognize the power I possess as his child, but God only gives us understanding of his ways little by little, and sometimes those little epiphanies show themselves when we need them most. God has been faithful to lead me in the past. He will faithfully lead me now. When he shows me my sinful thinking, I need to choose to STOP IT!, repent it, and run back into the safe arms of my sweet Jesus.

 

Welcome 2025! I'm back!

 

After a long absence from my blog, I am motivated to gain more regular writing rhythms and posting here will help create a good cadence in my life. And speaking of my life, here are some things God is teaching me right now.

Five things I learned began to learn in 2024 (and hope to continue to learn in 2025)

He must become greater; I must become less.  – John 3:30

1.   I am learning to be SMALL

Not small in stature. I am still all of 5’10”, tall for a woman, but small in my own mind. And small in my accomplishments. There was a time when I wanted a bigger life, bigger responsibilities, bigger acclaim. I wanted to be known for something I could do really well. But through hiding in my Savior this year, I have found out that in him, I am big to God. When you are big to God, it doesn’t matter if you are small to everyone else or even yourself. Mother Teresa also made this observation when she famously quoted, “Not all of us can do great things, but we can do small things with great love.” I can lovingly do even the very smallest things –whether writing or editing or making a meal for my family – that God has placed before me and be satisfied because they are mine. 

Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

    my God, in whom I trust.” 

– Psalm 91:1-2

2. I am learning to HIDE

For so many years in my life, I wanted to be seen–seen as smart, seen as organized, seen as clever and having it all together. These things were important to me, and people’s admiration made me feel validated and valued. I still desire that my voice be heard and my ideas understood, but the gospel has shown me that if I put God in his rightful place by making much of him, not myself, I can be satisfied in the simple fact that I am his child. I am still flattered by the occasional notice or ‘atta girl, but the cravings for people’s approval has diminished. I don’t need to be noticed or approved because I believe I am a child of the King and that is what makes me valuable.

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. – James 4:7-8a

3. I am learning to RESIST

This year God has shown me how often I let Satan infiltrate my thoughts. The enemy subtly convinces me to feel sorry for myself and hold grudges against others. When I fall prey to his words, I feel justified when I judge others. When I listen to the call to selfishness rather than selflessness, I make myself big and make others–and God–small, and I walk the road of superiority rather than humility. But when I recognize this warfare and resist it with the armor of God (Ephesians 6), all I have to do is stand my ground. The Lord fights for me; he is, after all, the final victor in the cosmic battle (Revelation 21). If I choose to think God’s thoughts about whatever is true or right or lovely, rather than Tori’s thoughts about others perceived slights and offenses,  I can truly demonstrate calvary’s love. I can give all my hurts to God who sees and records all of my tears. 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4. I am learning to LOVE

         I have known great love–first through the tender care of my mother and the safety provided by my father. Then, as a child with my sisters and friends, and even my cats. I experienced a thrilling love when I met Brent and married him–what a whirlwind that was! When we had Luke, I understood love in a whole new way, and the intensity of it scared me; this mother-love only continued as we had Tess, Shay, and Cole. And then came the grandbabies: my love continues to grow without limit and to surprise me by its constancy. But this year, I learned about love beyond reason or emotion. I finally understood that Christ’s calvary love should change me. Calvary love: the love that gave up everything to redeem me, that lost everything to give me life, that degraded itself and hung naked on a cross, that suffered unimaginable pain so I could be whole. That love, that LOVE, should so flood my soul. It should temper my mouth and my mind. The amazement of that unselfish act should make all my idle words quiet. The calvary vision should change me so I can love like Christ–even when I hurt, even when I am neglected, even when I feel ignored. When I ruminate on calvary’s love, I can more easily embody patience, humility and honor and more quickly exude joy not anger. 

The path of the righteous is like the morning sun,

    shining ever brighter till the full light of day.

–Proverbs 4:18

5. I am learning to ACCEPT

       Over the course of my life, I have developed a negative feedback loop. The chatter inside my head–often aided and abetted by Satan– tells me I am a failure, a disappointment, stupid. These are not from the God of hope, but from a sin-tainted mind in need of adjustment. This adjustment comes from time spent in the Word where I remind myself of what is true: even though I do sometimes fail, disappoint, and lack clarity, Jesus never did. I can live within my imperfections because he was perfect in my place. When I surrender to him in faith, I can base my self-worth on his perfect life, death, and resurrection, and I can accept who I am even though sanctification is painfully slow. God promises if I faithfully walk beside him, he will continue to work on me. But I won’t be perfect until I meet him face to face. What a wonderful day that will be!

In 2025, I know that God’s gentle wooing and enormous patience with me will continue. If I am satisfied in smallness, and if I choose to resist the devil and to demonstrate Calvary’s love, I will be able to revel in who God made me right now and delight in the Tori he sees fit to reveal.