Canine cleanliness for dummies

My dog, Neo, is looking a little slimmer because he is eating less and moving more.  Today, though, I thought my wonder dog looked rather filthy so I decided to give him a bath.  Bathing a formerly 136 pound dog is hard work.  Bathing a formerly 136 pound dog is especially arduous when one decides to bathe him in the shower.  And bathing a formerly 136 pound dog in one’s shower makes a massive and disgusting mess. I have decided to spare you the photos.  Actually, I didn’t take any photos because it was the type of experience that makes one gag.  Kind of like this one.

I really wasn’t planning on bathing the beast in my personal shower chamber, but when I went outside to get him with the leash in my hand (we have to tie him to a tree to spray him down since he hates bathing—thus the filthiness), he got so excited thinking that he was going on a walk that he began to jump in circles.  Seeing him in this exuberant state made me feel guilty about tying him to a tree,  and about bathing him with cold water when the temperature was a wee bit chilly.  So, to appease my guilt, and to confirm his happy expectations, I hooked the leash to his collar and we went on a speedy 17 minute walk, just making into the house for his surprise shower before getting hit by lightening.

Now, for all of you who have never bathed a giant, water-hating dog in your shower before, I would suggest never doing it. Instead, I would encourage you to hire a groomer who loves the aroma of wet dogs and who sends yours back to you smelling sweet (and with bows in their hair).  That way you can avoid scooting his big fat body away from the tile wall to which he has firmly attached himself.  And you can forgo the 2 inch thick pile of dog hair in your shower drain.  And you can avoid the putrid-smelling black water that pours out of that dog hair—before it starts clogging your drain.  And you won’t have to witness the millions of black hairs that fly out of the dog’s back when he does that little shaky thing that dogs do to get dry.

Or you could just simplify your life and buy a stuffed dog because they don’t get fat or need showers.  And if they do get a little dingy, you can just throw them in the washing machine to get them clean.  I didn’t want to do that with Neo because I thought he might get dizzy on the spin cycle.  And no one likes a dizzy dog—especially a wet one.