Since our youngest daughter gets married in
two days (!) I thought y’all might benefit from a quick checklist on what needs
to be accomplished when YOUR daughter gets married. Please keep in mind that it
has been an incredibly busy semester here at the Haverkamp home place, so most
of these suggestions have just been completed in the two weeks prior to the
ceremony.
1.
Purchase Dress.
I pretty
much deplore shopping and do lots of clothes shopping online. A few
months ago, I saw a dress that seemed appropriate, ordered it (with the sandals
the model was wearing) and received it in the mail within a week.
Surprisingly, the very sparkly, sequined, and glittery dress fit
relatively well, and I decided to keep it (and the sandals) for the upcoming
event even though I normally am not very fancy.
2. Make Sure Dress Fits.
Even
though the dress fit well when it arrived, I became increasingly paranoid that
it soon would not fit if I kept putting large amounts of heavy whipping
cream (left over from making the frosting for my granddaughter’s birthday
cupcakes--which I also ate) in my coffee every morning, so on Sunday (three
days before writing this), I stopped eating food and didn’t start again until
Tuesday afternoon. I was so hungry by Tuesday night that I ate one of the
aforementioned cupcakes--with ice cream.
For some reason, the dress is not much looser.
3. Research Spanx Online.
Since the
whole fasting thing backfired, I seriously looked at all of my “fat-holding-in”
options on Amazon instead of just going to my local department store lingerie
section to ascertain the advantages of these very tight undergarments. I
was too embarrassed to order them (since the confirmation email goes to my
husband who would text me a screenshot of the order with a “Did you order
this?”) so I took the more acceptable road of control top panty hose that
made big promises: “Built-in Shaper Short tones and flattens the tummy.”
4. Try out Shaper Shorts with Glitter Dress While Home
Alone.
I was
determined to make the dress look fantastic even if it meant I had to suck in
my gut while wearing the Shaper Shorts, so I carefully pulled them up to my
waist and stepped into the full-length glitter dress. The dress has a
zipper from the derriere to the neck, and normally, I could probably finagle
this process even though it would require some nimble gymnastic maneuvers. However, presently, I have a condition called
“frozen shoulder” on my left side and my arm does not extend all the way up,
nor does it stretch behind my back. Temporarily forgetting my disability, I
used my right arm to zip up the dress behind my back as far as I could then I
reached over my shoulder with the same arm and pulled on the zipper from the
top. It was not a graceful or easy process, but I was successful in
closing the entire zipper. And I had to
admit, the Shaper Shorts were doing their job and I looked darn good in that
fancy garment.
5. Take Off Glitter Dress Without Passing Out.
After
putting my sandals on with the glitter dress and admiring my reflection in the full-length
mirror, I decided I needed to switch out the bra I was wearing so the straps
wouldn’t show on either side. So, I reached back with my one good arm and
attempted to pull the zipper down as far as possible which ended up not being
very far at all. I slithered around
trying to make the dress ride a little higher on my waist so the zipper would
be accessible, but the Shaper Shorts were being held in place by little rubber
strips around my thighs and they were keeping my muffin top AND the dress
firmly in place. I bent over forward--as if the motion might enable the
zipper to unzip--and then I did a little hula hoop movement to see if I could
get the zipper to go to the side. Nothing worked. Since Brent was gone out of town for the
night, I envisioned myself preparing for bed and climbing in between the
sheets--all while wearing the form-fitting glitter dress--and trying to
sleep. I’m serious, folks, I couldn’t
get the dress off! I thought about calling 911 but then decided that
would be bad judgment, so I chose to pray and ask God to release me from my
bondage. God, probably laughing in his
own God-like way, soon smiled upon my predicament, and I was able to scoot the
dress up ever so slightly on my waist so that my good arm could grasp the end
of the zipper pull from the bottom and tug.
Viola! The zipper was
loosed! As I stepped out of it, and over
the massive pile of glitter on the floor below, (Really! I had to get a
broom and dustpan to clean it up!) I sat down on the cool tile of the bathroom
floor in my Shaper Shorts and caught my breath. When I was fully oxygenated, I
did try the dress on with another bra, but I only clasped the top loop of the
dress and did not zip it all the way up.
6. Get Spray Tan So that Dress is Not the Same Color as Your
Skin.
Okay all
of you professional spray tanners out there, I had never had a spray tan before
and I was a little anxious that I might exit looking like Donald Trump striped
and orange-y. However, now it is six hours post-spray and I am looking like I
sat at a track meet on a sunny afternoon even though it has rained here for the
last 110 days. When I first entered the tanning place, I interrogated the
girl at the front desk and told her in no uncertain manner that I would hold
her responsible if I came out freakishly streaky. She assured me that I
would look fantastic and that I should choose the medium blend (or maybe that
was coffee) and then “seal” it with the clear coat (or maybe that was the car
wash) so it would continually darken for the next several hours. I dumbly
agreed to this experiment and assured her I was over 13 and signed away my rights
with my fingerprint and a credit card.
She gave me a teeny tiny package of “toner” (sounds like something for
my printer) that she said would make my skin’s Ph be completely
balanced--whatever that means--and that I should smear it all over my face and
body before I entered “the chamber.” Then, she led me into room 13 (isn’t
that an unlucky number?) and showed me how to put on the little cap so my hair
wouldn’t turn colors, how to spread the “neutralizer” on my hands after
smearing the “toner” all over so my palms wouldn’t turn orange, and how to
contort my body into four different poses so that I could “tan evenly”. When she walked out and I had disrobed,
smeared the lotion on, then taken it off my hands, and put the little cap on my
head, I took a deep breath, tried to still my beating heart, and stepped into
“the chamber”. While some unknown voice in the speaker told me to stand
in position “1”, I closed my eyes and held my breath until I felt a little
shower of moisture hit my freezing cold self.
Then the voice told me to turn around, and I felt the cold little shower
again. When she told me to take position
“2”, I got nervous because I couldn’t open my eyes to look at the picture on
the side of the chamber for fear I would tan my eyeballs, so I just made myself
look like I was impersonating king Tut by standing in a type of Egyptian
pose--first to the right--and then after the little shower thing stopped--again
to the left. When the unknown voice loudly announced through the speaker
that the tanning portion was done, I breathed in a long inhale of relief because
I had survived and was now in the drying portion of the protocol--kind of like
when you drive through the dryer vents very slowly at the end of your
carwash--except just with your skin and no car. I have yet to try on the glitter dress
again--even though Brent is home to assist with zippering--to see if my skin is
now darker than my dress.
7. Use Crest White Strips to Make Your Coffee-Stained Teeth
Whiter and Your Spray Tan Look Darker.
Okay,
y’all, I know I am supposed to start the whole white-strip routine about two
weeks or so before the event, but I have been incredibly busy and neglected
that prep. So, I started the teeth-whitening process yesterday (4 days
before the wedding day) and have been wearing those puppies every chance I
get. If I seem to be slurring my words a
bit when you talk to me on the phone, I am either wearing them or I am drinking
coffee (between white strip rounds) that seems super hot now because my teeth
are so sensitive. But, my oh my, those pearly whites are going to make my
fake tan look even tanner!
8. Buy Press-On Nails So You Don’t Have to Waste Money On A
Real Manicure.
Unlike
much of the female population in the US, I do not enjoy getting a manicure.
First of all, I have pretty decent nails and they seem to get brittle and
broken when I get them painted at a salon. Secondly, when I do get
my nails done for a special occasion such as a wedding, it lasts only about a
day or so before it starts chipping away and I start crying because I spent so
much money on the manicure. So, to solve this unsatisfying conundrum, I
checked out the fake nail options at Target and found a package of 35
self-adhesive nails for $4.99! I peeled off the clear backing on each little
plastic piece and pressed those shiny french-tipped nails on my actual
real-life fingernails! They looked great and I thought I was a clever
genius until I tried to open some Tupperware and found three of them laying on
the kitchen counter. I tried to
re-attach them-- to no avail-- and then decided that I felt like a counterfeit
wearing plastic fingernails and ripped the rest of them off of my hand
disgustedly. The once-ingenious manicure replacement items are now in the
garbage. And I need to make an appointment with a real-life cosmetologist.
9. Make Hair Appointment at a Place Called Groovy Katz.
Listen,
y’all, I have difficult hair and I don’t trust myself to make it look good so I
decided to find a salon in the Iowa City area--where the wedding is taking
place--so I could have a good hair day when my daughter gets married. First,
I called the salons with names like Finesse, or Buzz, or Zen--all
cool and chic-sounding--but found no one with openings on the day I needed
them. Then I called a place called Groovy Katz and they told me
that I could get an appointment with them on Saturday morning. I am
hoping that the stylists there are NOT wearing little headbands with cat ears
and that I will exit their doors looking purr-fectly stunning.
10. Enjoy the Very Special Day!
Now that
I have all the important things done, I can focus on other things, like how to
display 45 dozen donuts attractively on a table. I can also think about
how to decorate the very dark and industrial-looking auditorium with lights,
eucalyptus and lots of imagination. And
I can think about how bittersweet I will feel as I see my sweet daughter walking
down the aisle with her father to marry a wonderful man and begin an exciting
new chapter of her life. I can ruminate on all of these things as my
heart anticipates the overwhelming joy that will bubble up as I praise God for
all the lavish blessings in my wonderful life!
