A Very Long Walk in May, the Final Chapter

Our first day out and yet unaware of all the things God would teach us on our very long walk.

Amnesia
God often teaches me with metaphors.  And, as I write this last chapter of A Long Walk in May, I will relate to you the lessons that God revealed to me in the months following my trip.

Let’s start at the beginning.  Less than a year before I agreed to hike with Tess, Brent and I had become empty nesters.  Empty nesting promised frivolity and freedom from many of the responsibilities that I had fulfilled for the last 25 years. “It will be fun,” everyone said, and in my wish for “the good life,” I believed them.

Mothering my four kids had been the most fulfilling thing I had ever done in my nearly 50 years; it was a role I was made to play; a role that used my creative imagination and nurturing tendencies to their full capacity.  I enjoyed being needed (most of the time!) and loved guiding these little people to live their lives for Jesus.  So, when this era ended, even though I thought I had prepared, I struggled greatly with the transition.  I looked around to see other empty nesters reveling in their newfound freedom and gliding into this new phase with purpose and energy. I wasn’t gliding. Discontentment with my lot became a heavy burden; I was unhappy with who I was and couldn’t figure out who I was supposed to become.  I had identity amnesia. This amnesia took away confidence in the skills I actually did possess and the successes I was able to achieve, and replaced it with self-doubt about my value.  Emotionally, I was in a pretty tenuous spot.

Salvation?
When Tess asked me to hike with her, I saw it as a sort of “salvation.”  It was an opportunity to escape from this new life and do something familiar while spending time with my daughter.  I viewed our upcoming thru hike as a fun and refreshing getaway.  But, as we trudged through our cold and muddy journey, I found myself struggling with the same feelings I had been battling beforehand; the hiking was harder than expected; my pack seemed overly heavy; and though I thought I had prepared well, I was still slogging along.  Tess, and eventually Brent and Cole, seemed to be having no problem with this physical adjustment; in fact they were happy for the challenge. And here I was, tripping over my mud-encrusted sneakers.  Why did I even call myself a backpacker?  As with empty nesting, the journey was different than I had envisioned, and I was on uneven ground—emotionally and physically.  This gap between the ideal and the real left me sullen and self-focused.  I was mad because I wanted  “my best life now” and was failing miserably at finding it.  I was choosing to let my circumstances control how I perceived my present situation; I was choosing to be unhappy.

Epiphany
After the trip was over and we returned home, I was relaying my frustration about my backpacking performance to my ever wise husband; “I made Tess’ goal unachievable,” and “I can’t believe I couldn’t keep up with you guys!” were met with Brent’s counter statements of “Aren’t you glad you got to spend all of that time with Tess?” and “Wow!  You completed 250 miles!” and finally, the clincher, “You should be grateful and look for the good.”

That was it! I had not been grateful for the freedom of schedule that my empty nesting had provided.  I had not appreciated the amazing opportunities that lay before me now that the biggest and most important job of my life was complete. I had chosen sullenness over satiety because my feelings lied to me.  And, in the same way, I had not looked for the good on my backpacking trip; no, it wasn’t what I envisioned it to be, but God had been faithful and had kept us safe.  Even during the scary storm, God had allowed our tent to hold and our faith to outweigh our fear.  He had brought to mind hymns that we could sing and Scripture we could repeat so we could carry on.  I mean, who else gets to take three weeks off of regular life to go hang out in the woods with their daughter?  Me, that’s who. I am blessed beyond measure! If I could have a re-do, I would choose joy. Though my best life isn’t actually NOW, I can choose contentment in what I have been given; instead of complaining about my lack, I can proclaim the wonders of God’s sweet provision.

Truth
Isn’t it the same with the gospel?  We enter into the Kingdom of God with all sorts of preconceived notions: Now our lives will make sense!  Now we will be happy!  Now our hearts will be at peace!  But then we get stuck in the mud and mire of normal lives, and the gap between the ideal and the real widens.  We become so jaded by the reality of living in a broken world that our prayers become feeble requests for comfort. Our focus becomes our ease rather than our eternity.  But God promises something more.  He says in John 16:33, “In this world YOU WILL HAVE TROUBLE. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  We shouldn’t base our satisfaction on what we have in the here and now; we should put our confidence in the One who has overcome this unfulfilling world and has prepared a perfect place for us!  If we choose to think about what awaits us in our Heavenly home, many of our heavy burdens will become what Paul labels “light and momentary afflictions.”

And so ends my thru hiking story. When I started it, I thought I was supposed to relay the perspective I had gained on the value of perseverance, and grit (the things I didn't possess), but when I finally completed the journey, I found it was not about any of that.  It was not about my weakness when I should have been strong, or about my cowardice in danger; it was about a great God who gives me the freedom to choose life or death, hope or fear, joy or bitterness. So, from this day forward, whether empty or filled, muddy or clean, skilled or inept, I purpose to choose joy as I remember that my best life ISN'T now. It's promised to me in the future when I finish this very long walk on the earth and run into the arms of my Savior. He is waiting for me, and for you too. Keep walking.

When we all get to heaven,
What a day of rejoicing that will be!
When we all see Jesus,
We’ll sing and shout the victory!

While we walk the pilgrim pathway,
Clouds will overspread the sky;
But when trav’ling days are over,
Not a shadow, not a sigh.

Let us then be true and faithful,
Trusting, serving every day;
Just one glimpse of Him in glory
Will the toils of life repay.

Onward to the prize before us!
Soon His beauty we’ll behold;
Soon the pearly gates will open;
We shall tread the streets of gold.

When We All Get to Heaven~E.E. Hewitt

-->