Heartsick

Luke called me early this week to tell me he had been sick. He said he didn’t want to call until he was almost well because he knew I would worry. What a wise man he has become!

As I got off the phone, I was bombarded by motherly feelings of sadness. Sadness that he was sick…sadness that I wasn’t there with him…sadness that he was so far away. So, to deal with all of that, I wrote this. To Luke, it may seem a little sappy—but to any mom who has just let her firstborn “fly”, I hope it will be sweet.

And to all you moms with little ones, enjoy the ride. Childhood lasts for a short 18 years—savor each one of them. After that, you have the rest of your life to live, and sleep, and eat hot food. Don’t try to speed through NOW.

HEARTSICK

He is sick and far away.

This knowledge sits heavy in my brain. I want to go to him.

To make him all better, take care of him, my baby.

He is part of me and when he hurts, I hurt.

Someone once said that when you have a child,

It’s like walking around with your heart outside of your body.

My spirit is sad. I long for him to be well.

I wish my heart were closer.

As my kids grow up and become themselves,

the good news is, “They don’t need me to help them!”

And the bad news is, “They don’t need me to help them!”

Isn’t this what I wanted? What I purposed them to be?

Even so, tears fall with the realization that this job is almost done.

The sunset of childhood is upon us, I see the horizon ablaze.

I hold the memories like a toddler clutching a beloved blanket,

then, one by one, I fold them neatly, and reluctantly tuck them away.

Yes, he is sick, but he will heal…without me.

He is a man, but I will continue to see him as my little boy.

God’s design would become my delight

if I could my get my heart back inside of myself.

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18