When I had four littles and needed to leave for an
afternoon, I would find some brave soul to watch them. Then I would quickly sneak away. But
before I fled, I would create a spreadsheet listing all of the directives I
thought necessary to keep the littles alive. In addition to the multi-page
document, I would leave the sitter soft foods for them to consume, like noodles
or yogurt or applesauce, because I was afraid of choking. and cooking. and
fires. and knife wounds. And I
would instruct the littles, that, in my absence, they COULD NOT, at any time, create
a fort to sleep in that was airtight (like they could actually do this with
blankets and clothespins) because I thought they would surely suffocate. In the winter, I checked the veracity
of the carbon monoxide detector repeatedly before I left because a rogue squirrel
might get caught in the chimney; then they would breath the poison gas created
by this blockage and die quietly.
And if it was summer, I made my littles wear life jackets at all times
since I was sure they would wander over to the neighbor’s pool and drown. I forbid them to start fires (as they
often did outside!) and hid all of the matches in a cupboard above the
refrigerator. And I told the
babysitter not to let them on the screened porch above the patio because I
thought they might push through the screens, fall out the windows and crush
their skulls on the cement below.
I hung blinds without cords because I thought they might strangle themselves. I vetoed a trampoline because I thought
they might paralyze themselves.
And I never ever called medicine “candy” for fear they might find the
Flintstone vitamins and overdose themselves.
At this time in my life, I thought that if I could just
control all of the variables, I wouldn’t have to be fearful. I truly believed that if I took all the
risk out of all the experiences that my littles might encounter, I could relax
and be a good mom. I spent much of
my time contemplating how to make the world a safer place for them…and a less scary
place for me. But you know
what? I never could control all of the variables. In fact, the fear of these unknowns controlled me and I was often paralyzed by
worry.
How do we do that?
How do we live our lives in faith in the One who controls all
things? How do we trust that His
Sovereignty is good? How do we
rest in His choices for our lives? Our kids? Our future? The struggle is real. The worry is palpable.
The solution, however, lies not in our
control, but in our complete surrender. Here’s how my surrender happened: As I read through the
Bible, I started to look for the ways God described Himself. I looked for his
character qualities and found that God is always faithful, always strong,
never changing. He called Himself
a fortress, a shield, a rock, an anchor.
He described Himself as a tender mother, a devoted father, a rescuer,
and a victor. He showed
compassion, intuition, loyalty, and sacrifice. He said that He was GOOD. I had to choose to believe He was all of these things. All the time. Because if I didn’t believe this, I was
calling God a liar. In this choosing, my attitude towards God changed. As I grew in my knowledge of the God who created me, He grew bigger in my heart.
When I finally started using my transformed mind, I was enabled to grasp Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose”. And when this same mind told my heart what was true, my belief in
God’s good sovereignty replaced my anxiety with a sense of awe. This process has taken a long time…more
than a decade. Probably closer to
two. In fact, God is still working
on me to show me that He is truly Lord.
Since I now know that God is bigger than I can imagine, and
His plans are always for my benefit, I have been able to “lay my worries on the
table” and walk away. Sometimes, I
lay them down…and pick them up again… multiple times a day because, like he did
to Eve, Satan will whisper slyly in my ear, “Did God really say…?” But then, like
the weapon it is, the Word of God comes to mind and defends me, “For
the Lord is good; his steadfast love endures forever, and his faithfulness to
all generations.” (Psalm 100:5) and "Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you." (Psalm 116:7) and I remember that the laying down is right.
My littles have now become bigs. They cook and cut and eat chewy things like meat and nuts and
grapes not split in half. They
sleep in real, somewhat air-tight, tents in forests. with bears (they don’t
sleep with the bears…the bears are in the forests) No squirrel has ever
attempted suicide in their chimneys. They have learned to swim to save
themselves, their skulls are still intact, and they build fires that would
impress you. They have blinds with cords, do flips on trampolines, and have
never overdosed on vitamins—probably because they never take them. But now they do lots of other scary
things, as if the bears weren’t scary enough; they drive cars on highways, fly
in airplanes by themselves, and go on dates with people I don’t know. They even get married and move halfway
across the world where I can’t help them at all.
The thing I can do, however, is surrender; I plan to keep on doing it. Because I am fully persuaded that God is good and faithful and always, always trust-worthy.
Fear is no longer my master because God is now Lord of my mind…and my
heart.
For I am convinced that neither death
nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the
present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will
be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our
Lord.
~Romans 8:38-39
“Jesus, I am resting, resting in the joy of what Thou art; I
am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart. Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee, and Thy beauty fills my
soul, for by Thy transforming power, Thou hast made me whole.”
~Jean S. Pigott; 1876